Torts test is over but it was a major disaster. It's like you studied so much and the test turned out to be so crappy. And I felt quite disappointed cos I didn't give my best.

Sigh maybe I should like try to lower the expectations I set for myself or something. The school expects much from you, and you have to set high standards for yourself too cos everyone there is smart and hardworking and your future pretty much depends on your grades. Not to mention it's the school who gives you your grades this time and not the nice Cambridge anymore. That's probably why I feel more stressed now. Like the stress becomes more tangible and conscious? As opposed to the past when the stress felt was more subconscious and was felt less outrightly. Am I making any sense?

And so I always hold myself to a level and always tell myself not to fall below that level. But what you tell yourself to do and what is actually done is never quite the same and the gap in between is quite disappointing. Then so I kept pushing myself beyond the limits but my mind seemed to tell me that's enough and I shouldn't push myself anymore. Like I became less productive and somehow my capacity to do things just stop there. Then obviously I feel pissed at myself and it's a vicious cycle all over again.

Sometimes I tell myself not to be so hard on myself but I can't seem to do that. I think I have 自虐症. Haha.

Today during LAWR we were learning how to interview and advise clients. My tutor told us the clients we will meet are not as simple as what we were doing in class for practice and whatever we say will have an impact on them. She told us to imagine what would happen if we have to advise a BANK. That thought scared me pretty much cos the implications become such a huge burden all of a sudden. I asked myself am I able to do that in the future? To hold such great responsibility when you know people are going to rely on what you said and you know it will have huge impacts on their lives? Am I prepared to do this?

Well I don't think I can do that but I guess such stuff comes with experience. You can't expect a fresh graduate to be a guru in law.

So I think all these feelings began to accumulate and manifest. Cos nowadays when I'm in school I find myself wishing that I have some time alone and I just don't quite feel like talking to anyone and I get irritated at every single little thing. But obviously you can't show these thoughts and feelings expressively? Cos you know your actions will affect your friends and they will start to ask you if things are ok etc etc. Of course I know that they are being concerned and I'm not complaining. But sometimes you just wish you can do whatever you want without trying to keep in check from time to time that kinda thing.

But I'm still thankful for the friends I have in law. We are all nice and funny people! Though I still need time to try and get used to some of their characteristics which my other friends don't have and which I'm less tolerant to. But doesn't mean they are not nice, just slightly different? But still can't just expect everyone to be the way I want them to be right? But I know I do that and it's not a good thing so I will try to change.

But I think these ill feelings are partly cos my menses are coming. Haha.

I can't quite believe that I typed all these above. Like so...deep in my thoughts and feelings kind. Haha. Usually I don't think so much cos thinking too much gives you even more troubles. Quite meaningful right? From this bimbo. Hahaha.

But let's not be weighed down on my emo shit yeah!

I bought Jolin's new album! I listened it one time, and I prefer her previous album cos more glam and I like the fast songs there better. I guess they spent the bulk of their budget on her movie thingy. They went to Paris, Bangkok and London to film it and they got shuaiges to act with her can. Plus her album is recorded abroad. Ok lah I guess her new album this time takes a darker and more mysterious side. More attitude kind. As usual her slow songs more or less the same. And the album has the movie dvd too! Woohoo.

And I got high on DBSK during break today as usual haha. They are like my life sustenance now. So sad right? But I like. They are so shuai and cute and funny. Why don't they come to S'pore :(

Today during SLS Wenling told me on MSN it seemed like a mentos sweet wrapper was stuck on our prof's butt. I literally LOL-ed and my SLS shuaige looked at me. :( I think he thought I'm some siao zharbor. How like that! And all these happened when our prof was pissed at us for not talking and not knowing our stuff well.

So shuai!